This is a summary of Steven Bartlett’s interview with Erica Komisar, a parenting expert and psychoanalyst who uses over 30 years of research to challenge societal norms on parenting and early child development.

The discussion is not intended to make parents feel bad about their parenting decisions. Corroborate these views with other sources of evidence and expertise before acting on them.

For children to be mentally healthy, parents should be physically and emotionally present for them throughout childhood, particularly in the two critical periods of brain development which are 0 to 3 and 9 to 25 years. 

Parents should not prioritise careers, material success, or personal desires; they should prioritise their children. Failure to do so has contributed to the mental health crisis around the world.

In America, one in five children will not leave childhood without developing a serious mental illness such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, behavioural problems, and suicidal thoughts. In the UK, it’s one in six.

Affected children are medicated or offered cognitive behavioural therapy. These manage cognitive and emotional dysregulation but do not resolve them. Children can be raised to become resilient to stress and adversity.

Erica noticed an increase in mental illness in children from 30 years ago in the research literature and her practice as a psychoanalyst. She noticed that the children who were doing the worst tended to have mothers who were not present in their lives.

This observation is consonant with attachment theory and findings from neuroscience and epigenetics. Children have irreducible emotional needs that must be met if they are to grow up as securely attached individuals with a reduced chance of developing mental health issues.

Parents instinctively want to create a safe environment for their children, soothe them when they are in distress, and impart their values. Since the Industrial Revolution, however, mothers were separated from their children to work in factories. Likewise, following the feminist movement in the 1960s, more women entered the workforce.

Babies are born neurologically and emotionally vulnerable. Society projects onto babies the belief that they can handle a lot of stress, i.e., mothers separating from them to go back to work after a few weeks of birth, leaving them in daycare with strangers, etc.  

From an evolutionary perspective, babies have always needed skin-to-skin contact with their mothers for the first year, and in most parts of the world babies are worn on their mother’s bodies. Doing so gives babies attachment security.

Mothers offer sensitive empathic nurturing when children are infants and toddlers by giving them skin-to-skin and eye contact and adopting a soothing tone to regulate their emotions, etc. Mothers buffer babies from stress by being as present as possible for the first three years. They protect babies’ brains from cortisol, the stress hormone.  

Fathers provide playful tactile stimulation, e.g., throwing the baby up in the air, tickling the baby, running after the baby, and rough-housing. These encourage exploration, risk-taking, and healthy separation.

Fathers also help the baby to learn to regulate certain emotions. Mothers help to regulate sadness, fear, and distress, while fathers help to regulate excitement and aggression.

When fathers aren’t around, little boys and girls can develop behavioural problems borne from the inability to regulate their aggression. Both mothers and fathers’ nurturing hormones contribute to the healthfulness of a child.

Good parenting requires sacrifice. It will involve discomfort, frustration, and years of sleeplessness. In some societies the norm is for extended families to raise children together, often living in proximity. This helps ease the load of parenting. In Western atomised societies, mothers often feel isolated.  

Not raising an infant right can lead to attachment disorders or exacerbate them. If the infant’s primary attachment figure is there most of the time, a secure attachment can be cultivated.

Attachment disorders may be exacerbated when parents leave their babies in institutional care for long hours at a time. An avoidant attachment could be developed. This is correlated with depression and difficulty forming attachments later in life.

Other attachment disorders include ambivalent and disorganised attachment. These are correlated with high anxiety and learned helplessness respectively. To cope, babies may cycle through many strategies including clinging, becoming enraged, becoming avoidant, slapping, and hitting the mother.

There is some correlation between the above persistent behaviour with the development of borderline personality disorder, manifesting as a pattern of unstable, intense relationships, as well as impulsiveness and an unhealthy self-perception. Based on long-term studies, these maladaptations may be life-long.    

An unfortunate cycle of suffering may be created as children with these issues grow up to become parents who perpetuate bad parenting practices borne from their disorder (note that there are strong genetic components for certain mental illnesses).

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old – style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy – stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

From “This Be the Verse,” Philip Larkin

Does not help that securely attached people tend to marry and have children with other securely attached people. Like attracts like when it comes to attachment style.

If people are going to have children, they should confront their upbringing and early traumas, repairing them before bringing new people into the world.

Birth rates are declining around the world, especially in richer countries. Paid maternity leave is incredibly important in societies where it is the norm for both parents to work. The longer the better.  

Three years may be impossible, but some compromises could be achieved, e.g., one year plus some part-time framework. Other creative solutions could include advance borrowing from social security to let moms stay at home longer.

One mistake parents make is to try to raise their children to be like them (e.g., to be an extension of their unmet hopes, needs, and desires) rather than to enable them to be their own person. Seeing children as individuals with authentic selves and letting them grow to become their authentic selves is the greatest gift parents can give them.

Do not control all aspects of their lives nor deny their gifts/interests. Support and nurture what they love to do. 

When very young children are stressed (ages 0-3), some of the ways they might act out include becoming aggressive in school, biting, throwing chairs, hitting, etc. Stress management is not part of a child’s developmental repertoire at that age. The mother’s presence during these early years is crucial because it helps to expose the child to stress incrementally. Excessive daycare and aggressive sleep training at this very early stage may not be in the best interest of the child’s development. Letting them cry out is not good either.

One interpretation of enduring ADHD is that children are in a hyper-vigilant state of stress for a prolonged time such that it has become chronic. ADHD is correlated with depression. The current intervention, medication, masks the problem. While good medication is crucial for managing the condition, parents, the medical establishment, etc. should also discover and fix the root issues, lack of parental physical and emotional presence (from daycare, divorce, etc.) being one of them.

While ADHD and other conditions have a genetic component, a useful way to think about the role of upbringing is: “Genes load the gun, environment pulls the trigger” Therefore, even if a child is genetically disposed to developing ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc., if they are raised well, the corresponding genes might never have the change to express themselves. 

At the early ages, even if your child is acting out, never yell at them. Emotionally regulated parents with good self-esteem and a realistic perspective on their strengths and weaknesses will likely produce emotionally healthy children.

Recognising and validating a child’s emotions are important. Acknowledge them as a separate person will real needs and emotions. For example, if they throw a tantrum, keep repeating something like: “I can see that you really want that packet of sweets. I can see how hard it is because you really want it. But you know you can’t have it before dinner you know that’s the rule”. Keep validating their emotions and make them feel heard until they calm down.

Before the age of three, children do not need to interact with other children. They need one-on-one connection and attachment security. If going on playdates and playgroups, be present, so the child knows that you are there for them.

Older people who have childhood trauma can get therapy. A lot of people have childhood trauma and are in denial about it. Progress requires a long-term commitment to a good therapist.

Little boys have a lot of physical energy from that surge in testosterone between three and six. A sedentary environment will not serve them well. Trying to develop their left brain too early instead of unstructured play may not be in their best interests.  

In the early years, single-gender education may be better for children.

The American Paediatric Association says no technology under the age of two. Technology raises dopamine levels in the brain which is why adults get addicted to it. Technology raises the dopamine in an adolescent brain tenfold. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that regulates emotions, and it’s not fully developed till about 25.

Social comparisons on social media can put an adolescent’s brain in a hypervigilant state of stress which can turn chronic and lead to enduring anxiety issues.

Society needs healthy children. Children raised in a dysfunctional environment grow up to become dysfunctional adults. Flexible work options (for those with children) could help parents nurture healthier children.  

Erica had a mother who was traumatised as a child. This impacted her mother’s parenting: she was emotionally absent. As a result, Komisar struggled socially as an adolescent and went into therapy as an adult. She became interested in therapy as a profession and resolved to be a better parent to her children.