Narcissism seemed to be the buzzword of the 2010s. The articles, books, and YouTube videos dedicated to the topic, which are still ongoing, overwhelm, and with good reason. Anecdotally, you might have noticed an increasing number of people in public who behave in strange ways, as if they have been put-on by society and its inevitable demands on their time. You might have noticed greater incivility and unwarranted entitlement in public discourse, at workplaces, homes, schools, and so on.    

Evidentially, studies like the 2015 research study by Joshua Miller and Jessica Maples suggest that Americans perceive themselves to be more narcissistic, disagreeable, and antisocial than the norm. The recent spate of allegations which led to the #metoo movement, also saw a long list of media and entertainment moguls being revealed – one after another, and at a rate of about one every twenty hours since Harvey Weinstein – to have engaged in violent entitled acts against others whom they cowed through fear and intimidation. It took many years for them to be outed because they felt entitled to do so, and to some extent, they were, since the threat of retribution to whistle-blowers loomed large. These moguls were cash cows after all.

Narcissism, entitlement, and toxicity are often used synonymously to describe the mindsets and behaviours above. The constellation of observable traits overlaps significantly. Those we consider narcissistic, entitled, or toxic are typically people who are almost always antagonistic, petty, contemptuous, uncivil, lack empathy, are filled with anger and passive-aggression, and more. In short, they feel no good to us. But there are, of course, complications to these labels. Some toxic people are not toxic in all their conduct. Such individuals alter their behaviour depending on the situation, e.g., friendly to their wealthy neighbours but inclined to humiliate anyone they perceive to be in their service.  

In recent times, the explosion of popular literature on narcissism appears to reflect the state of the world, which some argue has become more narcissistic because of social media.  

Who, What, When, Where, and Why

It seems that the warning bells about the burgeoning narcissistic culture we live in were already being rung decades ago. Christopher Lasch wrote a book titled The Culture of Narcissism (1979) in which he describes “self-growth and self-enhancement movements” as well as an “all-or-nothing” understanding of success popping up all over America and slowly transforming it. He pointed out that education had been commodified to merely become an economic means of self-enhancement. He even predicted the current industry of cosmetic surgery which views aging as a devastating malfunction rather than a natural process to be accepted.

As predicted, the 1980s saw the globe become ever more materialistic, driven, in part, by a common and deep-seated insecurity about the future at the tail-end of the cold-war and after decades of ravage from the two world wars.   

Narcissism appears realistically to represent the best way of coping with the tensions and anxieties of modern life, and the prevailing social conditions therefore tend to bring out narcissist traits that are present, in varying degrees, in everyone. These conditions have also transformed the family, which in turn shapes the underlying structure of personality. A society that fears it has no future, is not likely to give much attention to the needs of the next generation.

Dr Ramani

Fast forward to the present, and it looks like Lasch’s predictions were right. To some extent, we do live in a narcissistic and entitled world. This is the reason why we can observe it so readily in the news, in our interactions with others, and in just about all spheres of life. But many of us are not narcissistic, or at least we do not think we are. And we know lots of kind empathetic people who are not narcissistic either. Why then do such people exist, and how can we create healthy communities and live good lives within a narcissistic culture?

This article draws heavily from a book titled “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility, by Dr Ramani S. Durvasula. Dr Ramani is a licensed clinical psychologist and Professor of Psychology at California State University. I came across her on the YouTube channel MedCircle which provides valuable insights on mental health topics from professionals. Her lucid explanations of all things related to narcissism and other mental health topics had me hooked, and I decided to read her books on the same topic. So, this article is, in essence, the cliff notes version of her latest book.     

Bullies, tyrants, despots, oppressors, and antagonists will continue to prosper. Sadly, there is not much we can do about it. We elect them to office, venerate them on social media, grudgingly admire them, and cheer them on. But we can protect ourselves. At a minimum, we can stop offering them our validation and exaltation. We can stop rewarding these patterns. We can transcend despite the gravitational pull of narcissism and incivility.

Dr Ramani

The Narcissistic Roadmap

Narcissism is an unhealthy way of relating to the world, and it produces negative effects on both the narcissistic people (though they may not realise it) and those around them. Anyone from any generation or socio-economic background can manifest narcissistic traits. It is neither the purview of the rich or the poor. But it is also true that narcissistic people, caring more about their self-image than most, are more likely to look relatively well-put-together. When identifying narcissists, observing their conduct and behaviour for some time and triangulating information are, above all else, the most effective.    

It should be of little surprise, though, that narcissism as a diagnostic term remains controversial in the academic and clinical literature (as all things tend to be). Some clinicians see it fundamentally as a form of overcompensation for a perceived deficiency, while some researchers focus on its resonance with individualism and high self-esteem. Some believe that it is best divided into three sub-areas while others believe that it can be divided into seven. Under the popular five-factor personality model, narcissists are understood to be disagreeable extraverts. Hence, because of the trait’s questionable construct validity, narcissism is not uniformly ‘diagnosed’ in the same way.  

However, despite these differences, there are significant overlaps that would satisfy a layperson whose everyday experience tells him or her exactly what a narcissistic person looks like: egoistic, grandiose, self-confident, assertive, and vain, even if these cannot be canalised into a valid construct for personality research. We will hence stick to Dr Ramani’s approach, which is to see narcissism as “pathological insecurity.”

It is this insecurity that makes the narcissist so difficult and toxic, because he or she feels chronically vulnerable. Narcissists’ self-esteem is continually under threat, they constantly need validation to offset that insecurity, and they become rageful under conditions of frustration, disappointment, or stress, because these conditions threaten their self-esteem and fragile egos.

Dr Ramani

Some concerns arise over this understanding of narcissism because it seems to imply that a narcissistic person is someone who can be rescued through radical love and acceptance, and this could set a harmful precedent of well-meaning people attempting to help the narcissistic people in their lives by ‘loving them more’ and not leaving those potentially abusive and dangerous relationships. But any ameliorative connection between insecurity and love should, in the first place, be questioned. As Dr Ramani herself points out, “insecurity makes people dangerous—very dangerous. It gives them an itchy trigger finger, and it renders them selfishly infantile.” Based on my own experience with insecure people, I have to agree.

Another concern arises over whether narcissism should be considered a disorder in the first place. The fourth and fifth versions of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM IV & DSM V) list a set of criteria for diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). One of the general criteria is that the patterns of behaviour described cannot be ‘better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or sociocultural environment.’ With narcissistic traits, this may not be so clear, since it appears to be related to one’s developmental stage and sociocultural environment. Additionally, for the other disorders in the DSM, personal distress and dysfunction are part of the diagnosis. The people experiencing these disorders are not comfortable. In some cases, they are extremely uncomfortable. Think of people with anxiety disorders or suicidal ideation. Mental illness does not feel good. But clinicians rarely witness that level of personal distress among those slapped with NPD.

For these reasons, some, including Dr Ramani, do not think that narcissism qualifies as a mental disorder that can be treated clinically:

It is high time we stop thinking about this as a diagnosis—it gives people who behave in a narcissistic manner too much of an out. The label is actually quite unfair to people with mental illness, who bravely face down the challenges of their illness each day. It also takes our eye off of what is really going wrong in a world in which we implicitly view these traits and patterns as being valuable for leaders, not just in politics but across all industries.

Dr Ramani

Indeed, it looks like those who possess those traits seem to own a roadmap to corporate success. This is more telling of the culture we have collectively constructed than the nature of the pathology.  

When you have a list of traits that generally read like a corporate playbook for success, which is, in essence, a descriptive framework for a large proportion of financially and professionally successful celebrities, athletes, politicians, media figures, corporate wonks, tech titans, academics, billionaires of all stripes, and social media “influencers,” are we really in a position to call it a “disorder?” Narcissism, as a pattern, appears to be associated with a greater probability of financial and occupational success and a greater likelihood of fame. It’s an ironic juxtaposition—children are often told to wait their turn, be kind to others, share their toys, tell the truth, treat people equally, and show humility, all of which flies in the face of what are considered the tools for success in so many industries. It’s as though efforts in elementary or primary school are the sole attempts to teach children the antidote to developing into a toxic person or to push back against narcissism. Then we release the children into a professional world in which these traits don’t work.

Dr Ramani

Furthermore, there is scant evidence that NPD can even be treated (which lends credence to the view that, if able, people should leave narcissistic relationships rather than try to fix them). Those with NPD are stable in their behaviour throughout their lives, causing persistent interpersonal hurt and much more. One partial cure is mindfulness. When narcissistic people are primed, through therapy or their own efforts, to take regular moments to think about the consequences of their actions before acting, they can occasionally stop themselves from behaving as they would normally. The long-term results, however, are not promising.  

How then can we understand narcissism? First, if we are used to thinking of things in essences, i.e., you are a narcissist versus you are not a narcissist, we need to stop. Platonic influences likely suffuse our mental schema if we have been brought up in a western cultural milieu. Within the realm of psychology, it is probably better to think of behaviours and mindsets as on a spectrum: if more narcissistic behaviours manifest, then it is more likely that the person manifesting those behaviours should be considered narcissistic, and vice versa.

Here are the traits across five clusters:

We will go through each cluster and each trait, describing them in some detail. As we go through the list, we will inevitably find certain things present in our own behaviour, and we may then ask the question, “are we narcissistic?” As mentioned, we should understand behavioural traits as on a spectrum. All human beings will have acted narcissistically at times in their lives, usually under conditions of stress. That does not make everyone narcissistic. Narcissism would lose its function as a distinguishing concept. What matters is (1) if there is a critical mass of traits being displayed, or (2) if the traits are expressed pathologically, i.e., there is little remorse or attempt at rectification.   

Apart from helping us to identify and avoid bona fide narcissists, learning about the ‘normal’ versions of these traits can help us to become more aware of how we may act narcissistically at times in our lives, what kind of impact that has had on the people around us, and reduce such occurrences moving forward.

Interpersonal Cluster

Lack of empathy. It is being detached from the needs and concerns of the people around you. This can happen under normal conditions, such as when someone loses their job, breaks up with a partner, and so on. Most normal people would then apologize and try to make up for that lack of empathy during their difficult time. A pathological lack of empathy is evident when someone never listens to or cares about what others are saying, often interrupts, and always puts their needs ahead of others. They may constantly minimize the challenges that others are facing.  

Manipulative behaviour. Normal people might occasionally flatter others before asking a favour from them or gossip negatively about others to make themselves look better (it never works; at best, both parties look bad), but would refrain from continuing to do so after a moment’s reflection and remorse. Pathological manipulators manipulate like it is their first language. They will induce guilt and shame by capitalizing on people’s vulnerabilities to get what they want. Taken to the extreme, this kind of manipulation can turn into exploitation and blackmail.

Projection. When people feel threatened or ashamed about something, they expel those feelings psychologically by projecting the offending trait onto someone else, usually without justification. We all say things that are more about us than the other person. When I shared my newfound attraction to a new sport, a string of acquaintances projected onto me their less-than-noble reasons for wanting to play said sport, i.e., to check out women, to show off, etc. An amusing indication of how ubiquitous projection as a psychological defence is. A little projection seems harmless, if unavoidable, especially for those who are not self-aware. Pathological projection is when it is the primary way of dealing with others, i.e., regularly accusing others of their own shortcomings.

Poor boundaries. My enmeshed is your closeness. It can be hard to distinguish between normal and pathological versions of poor boundaries especially if no one is offended. But some behaviours are almost universally offensive. Oversharing intimate details of a family member’s or close friend’s life to others, sending inappropriate texts to co-workers, making sexual comments to subordinates, telling your adult children how they should live their own lives, etc.

Jealousy. It is normal to feel jealous time and again. We do live in a jealousy-inducing culture, what with social media and materialism. But normal people also accept that there will always be things others have that they do not. Pathological jealousy is when anyone’s good news foments mean-spirited rants, passive-aggression, and other forms of unpleasantness. It can also lead to breaches in data privacy when one party attempts to stalk another out of paranoia. Other forms of invasions of privacy include the hiring of personal investigators and the like.  

Gaslighting. There is no normal version of gaslighting since gaslighting is designed to deceive. Gaslighting undercuts someone else’s understanding of reality and fosters self-doubt. A classic tool of abuse in the narcissist’s toolbox. If you engage in gaslighting as part of your everyday behaviour, to your children, your co-workers, your subordinates, or anyone else, you are a bona fide narcissist.  

Controlling. Pathologically insecure people often feel that their internal world is out of control, hence they need to rely on the external world to regulate their self-esteem. The result is a strong desire to control everything around them, i.e., their relationships, environments, and so on. Think of helicopter parenting on steroids or wealthy people using their money as bargaining chips to get their way among family, friends, and community spaces. If this control is directed at the environment, we will see incredible cleanliness and organisation. These structures help soothe the narcissist’s emotional dysregulation. People in general value order over chaos because it helps them make sense of their lives. It becomes pathological when it is the primary way someone deals with others. Controlling spouses will decide whom a partner talks to, what she wears, how much money he is entitled to, where he or she can go, and so on. Living with a controlling person will feel like living in a surveillance state. Isolation which sometimes results from controlling relationship dynamics can lead to domestic violence.

Behavioural Cluster

Superficiality. Image is of great importance to the narcissist. Luxury goods, over-the-top holidays, the image of a perfect family are all part of the narcissist’s desire to gain validation. Social media has helped amplify this to the nth degree, so much so that people are now making life decisions, like what house to buy, where to go on vacation, what to eat, and so on, on whether it’ll look good on social media. For such people, life isn’t about building meaningful connections, pursuing passions, or working to make the world a better place, it’s about how many grudging ‘likes’ they can get on Instagram or elsewhere so that their core insecurity can be temporarily soothed. Other ways superficiality manifests would be like parents dictating all aspects of their children’s decisions to make them look good, or friends who are more concerned with their social media page than being present with you. It is no surprise that such people tend to seek out high-status friends, so the best way to avoid them is to avoid gatherings with high-status people or not be a high-status person yourself. The bottom line is that for such people, image weighs larger than substance. Their glamorous lives are skin-deep. There is nothing underneath.    

Covetousness. It is normal to want things other people have. It becomes pathological when people put themselves in financial danger to acquire those things, when obtaining those things in question becomes an all-consuming passion that disables their better sense.  

Cheap. This is not the same as frugality, which is a commendable value in our consumeristic society. Cheapness is having the resources but choosing not to spend them in ways that would help friends and family while presenting an image of ultra-generosity.

And he continued, “You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’ But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is Corban (that is, devoted to God)—then you no longer let them do anything for their father or mother. Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that.” (The New Testament)   

Careless. If you mattered to someone, they would think twice before offending you with their careless actions and words. Narcissistic people do not think you, or anyone else, matter. So, they will likely speak extremely casually about things that are breathtakingly offensive. They might choose to filter if they are speaking to people they deem worth cultivating a good relationship with, but even in those cases, the mask doesn’t stay on uniformly and they will slip from time to time. Normal people are careless sometimes. We forget to check in on a friend who is going through a difficult time, or we say something thoughtless because we didn’t think it through and feel remorseful about it later. In these cases, we would usually take responsibility and apologise to those we’ve offended and try to be more mindful in the future. Pathological carelessness is “a [never-ending] pattern of making dismissive, unkind, or thoughtless statements or gestures, which are often followed by (insincere) apologies.”  

Dysregulation Cluster

Fragility and insecurity. It is not always easy to take criticism. But for the most part, normal people are rational enough to internalise constructive feedback and work on them at their own pace. For narcissistic people, criticism is so unsettling that it only leads to rage or depression. Because feedback is almost always poorly received, others stop giving the narcissistic person important feedback about their behaviour for fear of the consequences. This enables the narcissistic person to continue in their ignorance and hurt others.  

Anger. Often borne from other emotions such as frustration and disappointment, anger can be expressed appropriately in the short term, especially if it is a response to injustice or evil of some kind. Long-term anger however is unhealthy. And regular out-of-proportion outbursts of rage, which can sometimes be used to control others who are afraid of the rage, is a sign of narcissism.  

Validation seeking. Narcissists need validation like people need air. They need a constant external stream of validation in the form of gifts, attention, success, etc. to sustain their sense of self. With this steady flow of validation, they can be quite joyful people. If the flow is absent, they become sad. Social media has amplified this trend, as we have seen in the superficiality trait earlier. A relationship with a narcissist, therefore, necessitates the ability to provide narcissistic supply. This can be attention, admiration, compliments, adoration, etc. The relationship ends when the supply stops. Don’t expect there to be much reciprocity.    

Inability to be alone. Validation seeking often involves company. For that reason, narcissistic people dislike being alone. Seeking companionship is normal. Seeking others merely for validation is not. Narcissistic people become anxious when they have to do things by themselves, and they will use guilt or other manipulative tools to get others to pay attention to them or spend time with them. With the advent of social media, the above translates to an inordinate amount of time checking their status, comparing likes with others, and so on. They love to entertain, not so to bring joy to others, but to ensure that they are the centre of attention and therefore not ‘alone.’ Because narcissistic people inevitably turn people away and burn bridges, it can be hard for them to find company. They may get angry when they cannot find people to spend time with them at a moment’s notice. In these cases, if they have money, they will often buy the company of family members, colleagues, and friends.  

Shame. Guilt is the internal feeling of having done something wrong and feeling bad about it. Shame is the feeling of badness when external parties point out the offending behaviour. In normal people, guilt precedes shame. In narcissistic people, shame is the prevailing emotion. They never learn to regulate their behaviour based on an internal compass and will only half-heartedly apologise and attempt to change only when their bad behaviour is called out and made known to their wider network. They do not possess and innate desire to reflect on how their behaviour affects other people, and because they are entitled, they will just engage in said behaviour without thinking twice. When they are called out, they become shameful and defensive, portraying themselves as victims rather than wrongdoers. I have experienced instances where people have acted in deeply hurtful ways toward others, maliciously gossiping and engaging in harmful politicking to get their way. And after all the hurt that they have caused, when they are called out for their bad behaviour, instead of righting wrongs, addressing, and redressing the many hurts caused, they fly into bouts of rage and shame and act like pitiful victims who have been wronged by the world. And then, after the memories of the incident have subsided, they gradually return to their offending behaviour, hoping that this time, the people around them would be none the wiser. This ridiculous pattern of behaviour would be pure comedy save for the lack of remorse and the sheer amount of hurt such people cause to those around them without ever changing. Normal people, after having made a mistake or committed an offence against someone else, would look them in the eye, apologize, make amends, and not do it again. Narcissistic people lack the strength to do that.    

Antagonistic Cluster

Grandiosity. This is exhibited when people exaggerate their experiences and achievements. Examples include alleged close relationships with famous people, making strange comments about their level of proficiency at some skill, or illustrating themselves as invincible. In many cases, narcissistic people believe their own fabrications.

Entitlement. Some may occasionally expect special treatment because they are regular customers of some service. This becomes pathological when a person is unwilling to experience all the usual inconveniences of life: e.g., waiting in line, obeying traffic rules, etc. As Dr Ramani points out, “while many structures out there foster the idea that some people deserve more special treatment than others, it is an antagonistic way to go through life.”

Passive aggression. This one needs little explanation. The more ‘paggro’ someone is in their interactions, online and off, the more likely they are narcissistic.

Schadenfreude. The feeling of pleasure or satisfaction when something bad happens to someone else. While we may all have felt some satisfaction over someone else’s bad news, such instances are few and far between, in addition to being rather mild. Schadenfreude, however, comes easily to the narcissist because it is a means by which they gain validation for themselves. They cannot tolerate others doing better than they are. “Their tendency to envy and covet, their lack of empathy, their hypersensitivity, their deformed sense of ‘fairness’ and justice, their entitlement, and their grandiosity all come to reside in this phenomenon of taking joy in others’ failures.” Relationship failures, car crashes, and job losses are not signals to empathise and help. To the narcissist, they could be avenues to share a bemused ‘I told you so’ with some amount of righteous joy. Having been the recipient of bad news myself, I can attest first-hand how deviant it is for there to be people who seem completely unable to contain or even conceal their glee at your misfortune. The smirk on their face can last for hours. I’ve seen ones that lasted for months. Narcissists would be the kind of people making the meanest possible comments at someone’s wedding or laughing delightfully when things go wrong at some event or in someone’s life. They are particularly cynical about the motivations of others because they project their flaws outward.

Arrogance. Arrogant people are combative, verbally abusive, dismissive, and thrive in unequal environments. Sometimes their arrogance is proportionate to their knowledge and abilities but oftentimes it is not.

Exploitative behaviour. Narcissistic people create relationships merely for personal gain. Acquiring an advantage or status of some kind is the name of the relationship game.

Failure to take responsibility. This manifests as always blaming others for one’s mistakes. Even after given hard evidence of their wrong doings, they may continue to deflect, attacking the person calling them out for the wrong things they have done. You will not hear a sincere apology and redress of wrongs from narcissistic people.

Vindictive. Narcissistic people have little trouble publicly humiliating others they know because of some perceived wrong. Because they tend to be paranoid and hypersensitive, they will launch attacks on blindsided victims. Their insecurity necessitates that any shame directed at themselves is unendurable, so they will launch pre-emptive strikes with unprecedented ferocity. They enjoy making examples of other people.  

Vindictiveness also manifests in the people who “lawyer up” when they do not get their way. Their sense of entitlement means that they will relentlessly harass people they want to punish for any variety of reasons. Letters written on thick legal letterhead can exert muscle and frighten people who may not understand the terminology or ramifications or may not have the means to fight back. Because narcissists and toxic people are obsessive about the idea that life has to be “fair” (for them, at least), they will spend resources and waste other people’s time and resources to ensure that they feel that it all turns out even (for them, at least). […] Hell hath no fury like a toxic narcissist scorned.

Dr Ramani

Cognitive cluster

Paranoia. People who have been burned before, in a bad business deal, relationship, or work situation, might become suspicious of others. But the effects are usually temporary and there are otherwise other trusting relationships that they might have. Pathological paranoia is when people believe that everyone is out to get them. This manifests as witch-hunts to weed out those who think differently which can create a mistrustful atmosphere in the workplace. If someone is always suspicious of others, it could be because he or she knows the kind of menace they are to the world and projects that menace onto others, assuming that everyone else has equally malevolent motives. It could also be because they may have left so much damage in their wake that they are afraid of reprisal, hence they are constantly looking over their shoulder. Bottom line is, if someone is always suspicious of others, you should be suspicious of them.

Hypersensitivity. In times of stress, we can all be sensitive in areas we perceive to be our weaknesses. But hypersensitive people take everything way too personally. Good feedback sounds like harsh criticism. A hypersensitive person could become saddened by one critical comment in a sea of praise.

Interestingly, they can even be somewhat “environmentally hypersensitive,” as though they are dogs hearing a high-pitched sound. They may become rude or agitated if they do not like the pitch of someone’s voice, the way someone may shake a leg, a person’s use of ketchup, or even the color of the walls in a hotel room.

Dr Ramani

Lack of insight. This is regarding their behaviour and motivation. Narcissistic people are oftentimes genuinely surprised when their bad behaviour is pointed out to them and get angry that their harmful conduct is criticised. They are clueless serial hurters of other people.  

Skewed sense of justice. Life is unfair. Some people have it better than others, but the tables can turn at any time. We have all grown accustomed to it. Some of us champion fairness in everything we do to fight it. Others even do so at the legislative or policy level to bring as much fairness to the world as possible. But for the narcissistic person, things are only “fair” if it benefits them. Under otherwise fair conditions such as a lottery system to decide which colleagues could win a vacation or something, if the narcissist doesn’t win, then the lottery system is criticised as unfair. If the narcissistic person wins, then the system is lauded as very fair. They engage with the world in a childish manner, keeping score about everything and making sure that they receive their due.  

“How much did you spend on my mother’s birthday gift? I spent more on yours,” “I spent six hours at your family’s Thanksgiving, now you have to spend six hours at mine,” “you have an ex-boyfriend on your social media, so it’s okay for me to message my ex-girlfriend.” With a narcissist, it always feels like tax day and everything has to balance out.

Dr Ramani

This skewed sense of justice, which overlaps with entitlement, manifests in other ways too such as supreme pettiness. They are the kind of people who expect a certain seat reserved for them at a family function or place of worship, to be given prominent roles in a programme or ceremony, to receive a reward because it is their turn, and so on. Think of the spoiled children that most of us outgrew. Such people are also unlikely to let go of perceived injustices from years past, even though they could have been minor.    

Hypocrisy. All people have the potential to be hypocritical at times. Some lack of self-awareness contributes to this. Pathological hypocrisy is when a person’s public words and private actions are completely at odds with each other.

All the above traits combine in different ways to form different kinds of narcissistic people who must be understood and handled differently. In the next section, we will explore them as well as distinguish them from psychopathy and sociopathy.  

The Narcissist in the Flesh

First up, we have the classic grandiose narcissist. They are full of charm and charisma, love to show off, and measure success by money, possessions, appearances, and power. They lack empathy, are prone to projecting when they are frustrated, and while happy to talk about themselves, will yawn, look bored, and check their phones when spoken to. Their arrogance should not be confused with confidence. True confidence is not a life that is broadcasted on social media or shouted on rooftops. It is quiet and restrained, backed up with an accurate understanding of one’s ability and the wherewithal to put others at ease.  

The second kind of narcissist is the malignant narcissist. This is the grandiose narcissist with the addition of something almost like psychopathy. They are much more exploitative, antagonistic, and Machiavellian. Furthermore, they lack remorse. They will break rules and bend ethics to get their way. People in relationships with them have reported enduring trauma leading to symptoms of PTSD. As Dr Ramani points out, “This type of narcissism can leave anyone who has been in contact with it—children, partners/spouses, employees, siblings, friends, family members—shaken to the core and plagued by fear, confusion, self-doubt, and worthlessness.” Avoid them like the plague.

The third kind of narcissist is the covert narcissist. These people can be characterised by their lack of empathy, projection, entitlement, hypersensitivity, arrogance, paranoia, passive-aggression, skewed sense of justice, resentment, and insecurity. They believe that the world does not understand them or recognise their incredible abilities. They are often anxious, depressed, and withdrawn. In essence, they are grandiose narcissists who hide the fact that they are. They may feel like forgotten geniuses whom the world has chosen to ignore and so they brood in resentment about the belief that the world owes them something. They are hostile toward others because they perceive all communications to them as inherently hostile. Research by personality researchers W. Keith Campbell and Joshua Miller indicate that early childhood abuse and neglect contribute to the perception of a hostile world. They are hypersensitive to criticism because it reinforces their view that others cannot see their ‘specialness.’ Unlike almost all the other narcissistic sub-types, they appear glum, sullen, and are often alone. They feel inferior to others and are very dissatisfied with their lives.

People in relationships with covert narcissists may think that the latter are depressed (they can be) or have low self-esteem (they do) and will often pity them or want to help them. Thus, they are frequently surprised when their attempts to be gentle or offer warmth or kindness to the covert narcissist are met with anger, rejection, insults, or coldness. Paradoxically, if you were to try to end the relationship out of exasperation at his or her antagonism, coldness, or distance, it would not be unusual for the covert narcissist to cry or behave in some other similarly vulnerable manner.

Dr Ramani

Covert narcissists are among the most contemptuous of the sub-types. They look “like the brooding angry person who constantly bears a grudge, is socially isolated, holds venomous and cold opinions about other groups, and is quite mediocre in their outcomes.” Having had the good fortune to meet such people thus far in the course of my life, Dr Ramani’s descriptions hit the spot.

Next up is the communal narcissist. Their sense of validation comes from how much they are recognised as the most charitable and giving people on the planet. Communal narcissists may have social media pages or websites dedicated to showing how altruistic they are, with pictures of them holding babies in the slums or building shelters. There are people who demonstrate truly altruistic behaviour and dedicate their lives to helping the less fortunate. The difference between them and the communal narcissist is motivation. Altruistic people do it for others. The communal narcissist does it to achieve validation for themselves. The former are good people through and through, and it shows in all their interactions. Communally narcissistic people will get angry when people do not notice their good works. If they are planning some charity event, they will make life living hell for the volunteers under them (oftentimes without realizing it). They exhibit the same narcissistic patterns in their relationships, which can be a confusing juxtaposition to their public self. They lack similar insight about their entitlement, antagonism, and dearth of empathy in their close relationships.

It should be quite straightforward to determine what subtype of narcissist someone is. Look for the most prominent traits from the five clusters described above and make an inference from there. If you are unable to avoid interacting with a narcissistic person, then deploy the right strategies to keep them happy.

Grandiose narcissists can be managed by fluffing them with compliments, [covert] narcissists by treating them in a special way just to shut them up, and communal narcissists by tossing them ten bucks for their charity du jour and “liking” their charitable endeavors online. These strategies obviously are not pleasant or sustainable, but they may forestall frustration, conflict, and futility of interactions with narcissists.  

Dr Ramani

Psychopathy and sociopathy

As before, it would be useful to think of these terms as on a continuum, with malignant narcissism encroaching on sociopathy as sociopathy encroaches on psychopathy. According to some psychopathy researchers, a psychopathic person is someone who has no conscience, while a sociopathic person understands the ethical norms people hold themselves to but choose not to adhere to them. Psychopathy seems to have genetic underpinnings while sociopathy is better understood as borne from environmental triggers such as an abusive household. Psychopaths are more put together than sociopaths. The former gives off the secret agent vibe, smiling menacingly as they plot the terror they will enact when the time is right, while the latter are the kind that get into drunken fights at the bar.

These terms are not diagnostic. But they do appear as “Antisocial Personality Disorder” in the DSM V and the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD-10). Here they are on the spectrum with increasing seriousness as we move to the right.

Psychopaths and sociopaths are chilling because they do not feel remorse, and they bask in their impunity. They rely on a combination of factors, not only superficial characteristics such as charm, charisma, and confidence but also accomplishments and skill sets (for example, brilliant tech guru) that often result in the support and complicity of governing bodies, institutional leaders, and other authorities. For example, in reading the case of Larry Nassar (the physician who was convicted of sexually abusing and assaulting dozens of female athletes at Michigan State University), he was empowered and enabled to inflict maximal damage because he perpetrated under the color of authority and hid behind a cloak of respect placed on him by various administrators. As such, parents believed him and so he was literally handed his victims. Until the very end, he defended his actions as appropriate medical treatment and complained about how much of a toll the legal proceedings were taking on him, with little to no regard for the harm he had brought upon these young women.

Dr Ramani

Narcissistic people can inflict just as much damage and with just as little remorse, and for every high-profile case in the news, there are countless other lower profile cases occurring in courtrooms, bedrooms, offices, and homes each day. Of course, as Dr Ramani notes, narcissism itself is not a diagnosis but a pattern of behaviour that may be caused by other mental health issues. A closer understanding of someone will usually yield insights into why they act the way that they do. But generally, because narcissism is a toxic pattern, we should not think of ourselves as having the responsibility to rescue or heal such people. That is the job of the therapist. But, as mentioned, progress for many narcissistic people is either incredibly slow or non-existent. What people should have when dealing with them are clear boundaries and realistic expectations. We can be compassionate and self-preserving at the same time.

Environmental Cause and Effect

What is the reason narcissism exists? Does nature or nurture play a bigger role in its manifestation? Unfortunately, it looks like an indecipherable combination of both. Some people become narcissistic because they grew up in an invalidating and toxic environment. But some people grew up in such environments and turned out to be among the better human specimens on the planet. And then there are those who grew up in a loving house with secure attachments with their family yet remain narcissistic throughout their lives. Still there are best practices parents can adopt to ensure that their child will likely outgrow their narcissistic tendencies:

1. Be emotionally available to them
2. Do not buy them digital devices at an early age
3. Validate their emotions, teach them not to fear their emotions but realise that they can manage them
4. Do not fix their problems for them (a.k.a. helicopter parenting)
5. Do not behave in an entitled manner in front of them
6. Allow them to feel disappointed, and enable them to learn how to regulate their feelings about the disappointment
7. Do not compliment superficial attributes like their looks
8. Help them cultivate an intrinsic rather than extrinsic value system, i.e., do things because they are right, not because they will be praised or admired by others  
9. Do not insult or verbally abuse the child
10. Do not put the child in danger

Regardless of the interplay between nature and nurture, what all narcissists do is project their insecurity outward and hence create more insecurity in the world.

This can be particularly acute in the world of social media. As Dr Ramani observes:

Social media has provided a platform for people to easily engage in antagonistic and cruel attacks. Unless the moderators of a site intervene, the attacks and insults can be issued and seen by many. These can be defamatory, humiliating, mocking, and shaming, and are almost always hurtful. Internet trolls, as a rule tend to be covert narcissists, with a lot of malignant narcissism thrown in. On the individual level, the troll’s comments and reflections are designed to be divisive, polarizing, hurtful, and even threatening. […] Internet trolls are generally psychologically immature individuals who are unable to appropriately modulate their thoughts, feel a brooding sense of resentment bordering on paranoia, and are largely incapable of empathy.

Dr Ramani

But beyond the digital realm, why has narcissism come to the fore in recent times? While the pathology has probably existed since the dawn of humanity, we could point to several factors that have contributed to the rising proportionate numbers of narcissistic people. The first is wealth inequality. Research from the University of California, Irvine indicates that people who are made to feel wealthier were more likely to support unethical choices and behave in selfish ways themselves. It seems that when a metric, such as wealth, allows us to consider ourselves better or worse than others, it creates a platform for entitlement which then leads to bad behaviour, now more visible than ever before because of digital communications technologies.  

The second reason is probably profit-driven capitalism. The value associated with success in a profit-driven corporate world, if not carefully regulated, looks nothing like the values we were taught growing up or universally accept as part of being a decent person. Narcissistic traits are predictive of success in some corporate environments. Backstabbing, manipulation, and lies find some people success. Research at the University of Luxembourg showed that people who broke rules and defied their parents when they were children went on to have higher incomes than those who did not. Other findings show that agreeable people earn less money, while disagreeable antagonistic people go on to serve as role models for success to the next generation. We teach fair play and kindness to our children, yet compete relentlessly (and unethically) to get them into elite schools, prestigious internships, and high-profile sporting teams. The recent university admissions scandal exemplifies the result of such self-focused competitiveness:

The “branding” of education, and Darwinian subterfuge of high-end college admissions have become so captivating that, in March 2019, they culminated in a college admission bribery and cheating scandal termed “Operation Varsity Blues” that became an international cause célèbre. A group of well-heeled parents, including celebrities, investment bankers, attorneys, and academics attempted to subvert the system, and these deeply entitled, arrogant, grandiose parents believed that, just as they purchase every other high-end trinket or toy they want, a brand-name college became one more thing to acquire. At some level, these parents had become so accustomed to getting what they wanted, when they wanted it, that they assumed they could employ similar tactics for college admissions, effectively indoctrinating a new generation of entitled adults. […] These players in this drama clearly lacked any kind of empathy or self-awareness, unethically and illegally usurping seats at the universities from more deserving applicants. They did not reflect on the potential ramifications of their actions on their children, higher education as a whole, or students they have never met. 

Dr Ramani

Here are the probable environmental triggers that can lead people to becoming narcissistic:

(see Dr Ramani’s book for elaboration)

Not only are there different kinds of narcissists, but also narcissists who appear in different areas of our lives, i.e., in romantic relationships, at workplaces, and so on. Dr Ramani describes how narcissism manifests in each area and offers suggestions about how to handle such situations should we find ourselves in them. I will share just one section about romantic relationships and leave the rest for your reading of her book.

The Narcissistic Lover

One of the red flags of a narcissistic lover is love bombing at the beginning stages of a relationship. These are grand gestures of love that are grandiose and attention-seeking. They introduce you to friends and extended family early on, making it hard for you to leave. They will communicate insistently, with lots of romantic texts that are intense (signs of a controlling person). While this may seem quite disarming to the young and vulnerable (i.e., those who feel that no one better will come along, who have low self-esteem, who fear being alone, who are co-dependent, who are desperate to be rescued from their family situation), people who have lived long enough and have a keen nose for BS can sniff out this strategy quite easily. In the early stages of a potentially healthy relationship, someone should be looking for qualities such as kindness, respectfulness, and warmth; not excitement, charisma, and a commanding personality. This love bombing, if successful, is usually followed by the exact opposite once the relationship solidifies. The narcissist’s controlling, self-serving nature is revealed, and it colours the rest of the relationship, whether it may last for four more months or forty more years.

Victims in these relationships have difficulty making decisions, apologize more often even when they do not have to, avoid other people, and use substances to take their minds off their constantly frazzled emotions. Yet some of these people, after years of disrespect and abuse, still only remember the good times. Narcissistic partners are like fathers who appear twice a year to take their child to Disneyland giving them a wonderful time but are otherwise unavailable for the rest of the year. Extravagant holidays and Instagramable events are bright spots in an otherwise black hole of an invalidating relationship. If one did the math and compared the good versus bad days in such a relationship, one would conclude that on the whole, the relationship sucks. Some stay, hoping that things will change or more likely that with their love they can change their narcissistic partner. They will not change. Better to manage expectations instead if the relationship has been solidified by the bonds of marriage. Even better to not get sucked into a relationship with a narcissistic person in the first place. Get yourself in order before giving and receiving love. Recognise true signs of healthy love: empathy, compassion, and genuineness that exudes from a person’s inner being. “We get back only as good as we give; the world mirrors back what we are. When you put your insecure self out there, the likelihood you will receive narcissists increases, because they are the best mirrors for insecurity. Fear and love do not belong in the same sentence […] always remember that.”

This dysfunctional mantra applies to all narcissistic relationships. Mom and dad. Husband or wife. Daughter and son. Boss and colleague. Brother and sister. Friend and neighbor. And any other relationship you can think of. The “they will not change” part is the most difficult part for people to get their head around, because, just like that, the hope is pulled out from under their feet.

Dr Ramani

Narcissistic partners are prone to infidelity and domestic violence. And it can be a scary space to navigate if you feel that the law cannot provide adequate protection until after an actionable offence.

The Long and Short of It

Avoid narcissistic people. The more you allow into your life, the more they proliferate and the more you are likely to present narcissistically to others when you lose empathy and become more like them. Like a disused muscle, the empathic impulse can no longer carry you through conversations with friends, family, and colleagues who could use a kind listening ear. If you cannot avoid narcissists because they are an indelible part of your life (e.g., spouse, parent, child, etc.), reduce communications and manage expectations. Focus on developing meaningful connections with good people.

Places that offer indiscriminate “forgiveness” are the narcissist’s dream playground. It is important to distinguish between indiscriminate forgiveness and real forgiveness. Real forgiveness is ceasing to feel resentment against an offender. Real forgiveness does not involve excusing or forgetting bad behaviour. Forgive but do not forget. Narcissistic people will engage in offending behaviour until they die. They may feel shame, but they do not feel guilty about hurting people to get what they want. If you are conflict-averse and wish to keep the peace by forgiving indiscriminately and letting things go, note that things will never change.

Narcissists’ behavior is kept in place by the groupthink or status quo of the people around them and, if the system is prone to forgive and forget, then everyone in that group is going to expect you to jump on that train too. In some ways this can feel like being revictimized, as though you are as toxic as your abuser because you won’t just hurry up and heal. I have termed this process “gaslighting by proxy.” Keep in mind that this is the selfish need of the stakeholders around the narcissist (who may have had a hand in creating the narcissist) to not have to face the situation for what it is, or who are simply relieved that someone else is taking the abuse, and they want you to remain in your role as proverbial punching bag. They may be trying to avoid a change to their lifestyle and social structure and are fine with your being a sacrificial lamb in the name of that status quo.

Dr Ramani

Do not defend yourself against narcissistic accusations. People should only defend themselves if they have done something wrong. When narcissistic people project their faults onto you, it may seem natural to want to exonerate yourself. But doing so lends credence to the accusations in the first place. They do not care about your honest communication or your attempts at clearing the air. Just ignore the accusations completely. If you are required to respond because other people have been dragged into it, stick to the facts, do not share your feelings, and do not defend yourself.  

Reserve the best of your kindness to worthy recipients. Leave the leftovers to narcissistic people without being cruel to anyone. Do your homework about the people hiring you. If they are dismissive and condescending in the interview, it is not going to get better after. Cultivate self-acceptance. In a status-conscious world that tells us that we need to consume to be happy, this can feel difficult, but the result is worth it. It is in the struggle to keep up with the Joneses, to earn an even fatter paycheck, to curate an ever more extravagant social media page, to acquire a more prestigious job title that we encounter narcissistic people jockeying mindlessly for those spaces and narcissistic bullies above us who take perverse satisfaction in making us jump through hoops like circus animals to acquire them. Stay in this environment long enough and you are liable to turn narcissistic yourself.     

So how do we leave such a culture and develop self-acceptance? Cultivate relationships with people who value you for who you are, not people who are exciting but chronically missing, or attractive but invalidating, and so on. Do things you love. “Clocking into a job you hate, going home to a partner who invalidates you, spending family time with people who undermine you, and tuning in to a media pitching poison and polarization are surefire ways to not love yourself.” Take back your life and turn it into something you love. Keep your eyes open, in your zeal to doing new things with your life, you may miss the red flags of the new communities you become involved with.

When communicating with a narcissist, less is more. This is because they will use your words against you and gaslight you till kingdom come. Keep it brief and simple. Find meaning and purpose in your life. When you have a strong why that guides your life (e.g., to use creativity to solve people’s problems, to live sustainably, to grow spiritually, to become the best version of yourself), you can endure an astonishing amount of unavoidable suffering. Get therapy. Sessions with a good therapist can do wonders. In a sea of narcissistically fuelled insecurity, create islands of peace for yourself and others. Be kind and empathic to others, raise kind and empathic children, do good work that is meaningful and helps others, give money away to effective charities and other noble causes. Narcissistic people can continue to cheat and abuse each other in their unending quest to acquire ever more validation (in fact, they are quite happy to do so, since in their minds there is no other conceivable way to live), but people who have had enough (who will in fact turn out to be the majority) will find solace in the oases of altruism that good people have created.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars

Kahlil Gibran, writer and artist

The wound is the place where the Light enters you

Rumi, poet

If you have been scarred by narcissistic abuse, take heart at the knowledge that others have too, and have bounced back better than they had ever been before. Allow such experiences to solidify your character and turn you into the person you’ve always wanted to be.